The Elusive Letterpresser

WARNING: If you are a letterpress printer of great skill, wisdom, and passion, do not read further. Your safety cannot be guaranteed.

As winter loosens his crotchety grip and springtime awakens with a fragrant yawn, our minds turn to that seasonal delicacy, the memory of which has kept us warm these past few months. Our mouths water as we call to mind the complex and intoxicating flavors of a well-prepared free-range Letterpress Printer.

Catching a Letterpress Printer is no easy task. Elusive, crafty, and proud, these noble beasts are wise to most every trick in the book (having printed the book themselves). Letterpress printing, after centuries of undisputed dominance, endured a bitter, long Dark Age of obscurity. During this Dark Age, whole populations of letterpress printers were lost. A hardy few managed to eke out humble existences in garages, specialty shops, and academia, but the species was changed forever. Having survived the Dark Age, the New Letterpress Printer has emerged with an uncanny survival instinct. This makes the act of catching one more difficult than ever, and equally as rewarding.

The steps in this guide have always provided us with every tactical advantage when on the hunt. Read on to discover the secrets to catching this mythical creature.

 

  1. Hold an “Attention to Details” Contest.

    Hold an “Attention to Details” Contest.

    True Letterpress Printers pride themselves in their meticulous nature. They will be unable to resist the temptation to put this meticulousness on display. While your prey may try to blend into the field of competition, you will undoubtedly find him/her in the Winner’s Circle.

  2. Location, Location, Location.

    Make sure to place your print shop in a warm, sunny location. Given their recent emergence from the Dark Age, letterpress printers are starved for sunshine. Many of the most talented letterpressers are working in dank, dark basements or frigid, unforgiving climes. The choicest letterpressers know the dangers of this practice (it’s a well-known fact that shoveling snow degrades manual dexterity).

  3. The Right Tools.

    The Right Tools.

    Letterpress Printers have notoriously itchy fingers when it comes to tools and gadgets. Few people can recognize these tools, much less care for them properly, so you’ll find that this trap will narrow the field very quickly. Commit yourself to always putting the right tools in their hands and they’ll walk into just about any trap you lay for them.

  4. Throw a Curveball.

    Now that you’ve narrowed the field a bit, put your entrants into high-pressure situation with a solution the demands patience, fortitude, and stick-to-it-iveness (equipment malfunction in the midst of tight deadlines is an ideal scenario). The Printer you’re looking for will thrive in these conditions. You’ll even find that this adds a gentle saltiness to his/her flavor, once cooked.

  5. Check for Marinated Dedication.

    Check for Marinated Dedication.

    You’ve done it; you’ve narrowed it down to that one specimen who seems altogether irresistible. They’re meticulous, careful, competent, and bold. You’re excited, but don’t be hasty. One critical step remains: Wait for them to fall asleep and then go through their things. Look for signs of deep love for printing. From a young age, the best Letterpress Printers self-marinate in a mixture of technical prowess, dedication, and roller wash. Note: This marinade takes years to make in the wild and it cannot be re-created in the kitchen.

We’re on the hunt for the Letterpress Printer of our dreams.
If you think you might be the one (and you have no regard for your own personal safety), please fill out the form below with all your heart. We expect a lot of our printers, but we revere the ever-lovin’ bejeepers out of them as well. We’re offering competitive pay and benefits as well as the opportunity to be a part of a tight-knit and loving family.

 

Experience

Please indicate your level of experience with the following presses.




Please attach your résumé here.